Someone shit on the floor
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
