My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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