Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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