party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I'm passing your future prison.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
