I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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