Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
