Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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