The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
