yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
