Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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