i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
