the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize