i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
