I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
