Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
