the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
