Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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