I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
