Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
