The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize