i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize