TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I just gift wrapped bread.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
