There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I will pee on everything he values.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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