So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
