At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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