My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
she looked like the before picture.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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