No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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