quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
