Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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