break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
