Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
