I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
