I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
