I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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