It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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