bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
