I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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