Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
