remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
