the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
