Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Pants are for mortals
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
