so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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