I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
