I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
