I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
