"it" just moved
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
