a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
