Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
