I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
