dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize