You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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