Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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