The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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