I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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