It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
