Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
