I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
We need a shit load of segways right now
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
