I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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