just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
