I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
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